Story Time with Voldemort!
by PotatoPanda88
Summary: Voldemort decides to reminisce about the times of his possession to Bellatrix and Lucius. See what went on in the time he spent with Quirrell, or as Ginny's diary.
1. Voldemort and Quirrell

I do not own Harry Potter. If I did, I would have the money to buy a half-decent f*cking computer. Enjoy the crack-fic!

* * *

"So..."

"...Bellatrix?"

"...My lord... You wanna, you know, do something later?"

"...Like?"

"I don't know... You know, I wonder about that nose of yours..."

"What!? Why!?"

"Well, if that nose is missing, I can only imagine where the rest of that flesh went..." Bellatrix motioned her hands towards the centre of Voldemort. "*Giggle* You know, I would kill to find out..."

"Oh, hey, Bellatrix, I forgot to..." Lucius opened a door in a random room in the Death Eater headquarters, to find Bellatrix cuddling Voldemort from behind. Bellatrix closed her eyes in bliss, and Voldemort had the most bored face on him.

"...Lucius..."

"...My lord..."

"...Kill me, please..."

"No time for that, my lord. I have something urgent to tell you."

"Oh, is that so?"

"Yes. It seems that the mudbloods and muggles are becoming smarter."

"...This is news?"

"No, I mean, they're hiding. Our spys can't find any mudbloods, and we can't figure out why."

"Hmmm...Well, I am rather tired..."

"Well, what do we do to pass the time? I stole something called a Playstation from the last muggle I killed." Voldemort and Lucius stared at Bellatrix.

"You use a muggle device?"

"...What? It gives more insight into the muggle thoughts. Besides, Ape Escape is so f*cking fun!"

"Hm... Well, we do need to pass the time..."

"I don't think using a muggle device would befit you, my Lord..."

"Well, all the books in this place suck, and I need entertainment."

"Ooh, I know!" Bellatrix clapped her hands together. "How about you tell us a story!"

"What?"

"Yeah! A story, like about when you were hiding in that man's turban, and when you were a diary!"

"...You really wish for this?"

"Yeah! Don't you, Lucy-poo?"

"Don't call me that... And... I suppose it's not a bad plan at all..."

"Very well..." Lucius and Bellatrix took random chairs, and sat in front of Voldemort. "Let me tell you about the time I was in Quirrell's head..."

* * *

 **The Forbidden Forest, Harry's First Year**

"Alright then!" Voldemort said, muffled in A purple turban. "As long as I'm here, there's gonna be some changes in our daily lifestyle!"

"And, that would be, My Lord?" Quirrel walked througth the forest to Hogwarts.

"Well, first off," Began Voldemort. "Take this damn turban off, I can barely f*cking breathe!" Quirrell quickly unfastened his turban, revealing the face of Voldemort on his back to no one in particular.

"Does this please you?"

"Huff...Huff..Yeah, sure. Second change. Your mind and memory is full of... Er..."

"Yes, my Lord?"

"Well... There is an ASTOUNDING amount of porn in here! I can barely think about plots against Potter when a naked vision of Patsy Cline just pops up in front of me!"

"Well, my Lord... I can explain. You see, my girlfriend gave me a dare that one of us would have to-"

"Okay then, I know you're lying, Quirrel. I'm looking through your memory, and I don't see any girlfriend. Instead I see some freaky Japanese shit. I never knew that the japanese could use octopi in such... Innovative ways..."

"...Okay, THAT one was really a dare!"

"Mhmm... Oh, hey, Centaur, 6 'oclock..." Quirrell ducked, as an arrow flew over his head.

"Oh sweet Merlin!"

"Run, fool! I won't be killed once more by a half breed horse!" Quirrel ran out of the forest, tripping over many branches and stones, until he made it out, stopping at Hagrid's Hut.

"*Sniff Sniff* Oh, what's that smell?" Quirrel covered his nose, while Voldemort laughed.

"Hahaha! I knew having no nose would do me good!"

"What about those slits?"

"Damn! Now I just look ugly... *Sniff Sniff!* The hell's that smell?"

"Smells like..." Quirell leaned a bit closer to the hut. "...Raw meat, thestral manure, and bacon in soap..."

"Yeah, I guess so... Why is there bacon in the soap?"

"Must've made it himself..."

"...Bacon... Hagrid! We must leave! And put that turban on!"

"Hagrid! *Gasp!* The man from the pub!" Quirrel put his turban back on, while Voldemort took a deep breath.

"My lord," Quirrel whispered. "I thought that you had difficulty talking and breathing in there."

"I share your respiratory system, Quirrel. It's that breathing through my slits feel better. And I can always talk to you through your head..."

 _See? I'm doing it right now!_

"What? How are you doing that? Can I do that?" Quirrel closed his eyes, and thought real hard.

 _I...Like...Po...Ta...Tos!_

"Er... Did you get that?"

 _No... I guess only I have that power... Eitherway, make haste to the castle! We must set my revenge in motion!_

 **A While After**

"Alright, my lord." Quirrell sat at the table in the Great Hall, whispering ever so quietly. "We're here. Now what?"

 _We wait, Quirrell... We wait..._

"Did you hear?" Said one of the students from the Ravenclaw table. "Harry Potter is coming!"

"Harry Potter? The bloke who killed Volde- You-know-who?"

"Now then," Snape said to Quirrel, caressing his arm subtly, where his Dark Mark lay. "You say that you got that turban from... Where?"

 _Shit! Quirrel, just, say what I say..._

"Oh... Well, y-y-you see... Whe-when I w-was in Africa..."

 _A prince gave me this turban as a gift for warding..._

"Off a zombie."

"Hmm... Interesting..." Snape slightly winced, as his arm trembled. "Perhaps you can tell me more of this... Story, later..."

*BOOM!*

The doors to the great hall open, as an elderly woman wearing a green robe and hat walked in, followed by a mob of children wearing robes.

"*Ahem!* We shall begin the sorting ceremony now!"

 _Hmm... Look! There he is!_

"Hm? Where?" Quirrel whispered as quietly as he could, but Snape overheard. He decided not to speak up, so he could investigate later on. "Ah! I remember him! I saw him in a bar with Hagrid!"

"Look!" Quirrel covered. "It's him! It's Harry Potter!" Quirrel and Snape looked at a small child in round glasses, who, in turn, looked back at them. Snape noticed as Harry held his scar in pain, and he later turned to Quirrel's turban.

"...So it would seem... Interesting..."

 **After the Sorting Ceremony, and the Rest of the Day**

"Whew... That went smoother than expected..." Quirrel undid his turban, allowing Voldemort to breathe.

"You know, your respiratory system is so unhealthy! How does one have asthma attacks when reading?!"

"I'm sorry, my Lord! It's just that I have alot of breathing issues..."

"Hm... Eitherway, just go about your day. I will rest, and figure out a plan for our dear friend, Potter..."

"My Lord, I believe he suspects something."

"What?!"

"He held that scar in pain. I believe that he-"

"No matter. One of my faithfuls, Snape, will divert the suspicion... You are much to timid and pushover...ish... To be suspicious of anything..."

"Gee, thanks, my Dark Lord... Eitherway, I need to get ready for bed."

"Alright, just do you, and I'll do me..." Quirrel went to a Bathroom, connected to his quarters, and unzipped his pants... Robes... How do wizards shit in those robes!? For convenience, let's say he's wearing PJs...

"Philosophers stone... Mirror of Erised... Snape takes the blame... Carry the 13... Teabag Du- Wait, Quirrel, what'reyoudoing!?" Quirrel sat on the toilet, and took out a copy of a magazine called 'Witches' Wooing Guide Weekly.'

"What? I like to read magazines for both genders..."

"No, why are you taking a shit?"

"Didn't you see that feast from before?! Flitwick gave me 3 bowls of curry because of the turban! He thought I was from Asia!"

"Does he not see that you're white?!"

"I guess not."

"Well, can you at least put the turban on?"

"Oh...Shit... My Lord, it's in the other room..."

"Well, get up and get it!"

"Yes, my Lo- SHIT!"

"What? What is it!?"

"It's coming out! IT'S A RUNNY ONE!"

"...Oh sweet Faustus, this'll end horribly..."

 **A Pretty Solid 23 Minutes Later**

*Flush!* *Handwashing noises!* *Sounds of magazines being put away!*

"Ah... I needed that..."

"...Hey Quirrell..."

"...Y-yes?"

"...How much bran do you eat?"

"...Well, an average amount, I suppose..."

"Let me tell you right now, the view says motherf*cking otherwise..." Just, let's go to sleep."

"Indeed..." Quirrell crawled into his bed, and crawled up onto his side.

"...Hey Quirrell..."

"*Sighs* Yes, my Lord?"

"...I can't sleep..."

"What? Why?"

"I've not slept in about 11 years! I forgot how to do it!"

"You... You forgot how to sleep!?"

"It's been a while, okay?" I've been conscious for the entirety of the 11 years I drank unicorn blood!"

"Well, scientifically, you share the same body functions as I... If I sleep, then you will probably sleep as well..."

"Hm... Yeah, I guess. Well... Goodnight Quirrell."

"Goodnight, my Lord..."

 **The Next Morning**

"*Yawn!* Oh, geez, I need a firewhisky..."

"You drink in the morning?" Quirell got out of bed, and opened a wardrobe.

"Well, coffee, tea, or, well, anything really, never works for me."

"Hm... Well, as long as I don't get drunk, we're gonna be fine..." Quirell grabbed a robe from the dresser, and undressed himself completely.

"Oh! OH SHIT!"

"What is it, my Lord!?" Voldemort closed his eyes, but continued to yell.

"Agh! Close your eyes, now!"

"Why!?"

"You might not see what I see, or sense what else I sense, but I do for you! I can see you looking at yourself in the mirror!"

"What's wrong? I'm healthy, I'm not fat or anything..."

"Yeah, but... Are you irish? Scottish? Swedish? Canadian?"

"What? Why?"

"YOU'RE F*CKING HAIRY BRO!"

"Oh, well, some women find that attractive, my Lord. Was it not desirable in your day?"

"Well, yeah, but this fandom is kind of in the modern day. And not alot of people in the 2000's are into hair, Quirrell..."

"Fine, I'll shave once you leave my body..."

"Why then!?"

"You'd witness the act of me shaving. And that mean's you'd have to see my genital area as well..."

"...Just get ready for your class, okay!?"

"Very well, my Dark Lord..." Quirell grabbed a suitcase, and his wand, and left his quarters, off to his first day as a teacher, and his first day as Lord Voldemort's ally.


	2. First Day on the Job

"Wait, let me get this straight..." Lucius raised his eyebrow. "You watched a white man in a turban take shits?"

"Let ME get this straight..." Bellatrix held back a giggle. "You saw another man's naked body?"

"Shut up! Or else I'll hex you two to have tails! Now then, where was I?"

"I believe you were on your first day at Hogwarts with... Er... Quimbly?"

"Quirrell." Voldemort cleared his throat, and fidgeted in his seat. "So, there I was, in the purple turban..."

 **Hogwarts Castle, Quirrell's Classroom**

"You know..." Hermione said, seated at the front row of the class. "I heard that we're supposed to have double potions class with the Slytherins."

"What? You can't be serious!" Ron was behind her, with Harry to his right.

"They can't be that bad, right?"

"You've got no bloody idea, Harry."

"By the way," Hermione looked around the classroom. "Where's the teacher? He's late, yes?"

"I've got no problem with that. No work for us means I get to rela-"

*Bam!*

The door to the classroom burst open, and in ran Quirrell, fastening his turban hastedly and wiping white powder off of his robes.

"Um... Professor?"

"Oh?" Quirrell fastened his turban, and turned to Ron. "Y-yes?"

"What... What happened?"

"Oh, t-this? You kn-know th-the big fe-fellow with the b-beard?"

"Hagrid?" Said Harry?"

"Y-yes! Him! He bumped into m-me, ho-holding a b-bag of powdered dr-dragon's mil-ilk..."

"Is it me?" Hermione whispered. "Or does the new proffessor seem nervous?"

 _Stop stuttering, fool! You look much to suspicious!_

"B-but my lord. I've never taught... Chi-children be-before!" Quirrell whispered. No one heard him, so Quirrell began his attempt at teaching.

 _Remember!_ Voldemort wanted the act to be as perfect as possible. _Don't cock it up! And be sure to put up the fascade of... Teacher...ness... I guess. Idunno, just act natural._

"Good e-evening students." Quirrell reached into his robes, and cleared his throat. He pulled out his wand, and started writing in the air, forming glowing purple words. "My na-name is P-Professer Qui-Quirre-Quirrell... But you can j-just call me Pr-Proffessor Qui-Quirrell..."

"Proffessor, you already said that."

"Oh! Di-Did I?" Quirrell laughed nervously, and twiddled his fingers together, like Hinata from Naruto. "Well, I've neve-never ex-exactly... T-t-taught anyone before..."

"It's okay professor!" Hermione beamed at Quirrell, freaking him out a bit. "Just start off with something easy! Maybe something like an ice-breaker!"

"A-An Ice br-breaker?"

"What's an ice breaker?" Ron whispered.

"What's an ice breaker?" Seamus said.

 _What's an ice breaker?_

"An ice breaker," Began Hermione. "Is something the muggles do in their first years of school. Though, they're really called grades, instead of years, but-"

" Just 'urry up then!" Seamus yelled/

"Alright, fine! Ice breakers are little games of questions that let us get to know eachother better. For instance..." Hermione turned to Ron. "Ronald."

"Er, yeah?"

"I'll tell you something about my family, and you tell me something about yours."

"Alright then. You go first though. I don't know what to say..."

"Very well." Hermione cleared her throat, while Quirrell and Voldemort watched.

 _Quirrell, is this really happening?_

"It would appear so, my Lord..."

 _Alright, no one seems to suspect you of anything yet. Just keep it rolling!_

"My family comes from a long line of doctors and scholars. And yours?"

"Er... My family comes from a long line of poor people..."

"See?" Hermione turned to Quirrel. "That was an ice breaker. Now share some things about you!"

"Huh? Well... Er... I guess I... I l-like to p-pick flowers, I was a p-prodigy at Defense a-against the D-Dark Arts when I c-came to H-Hogwarts, and I've t-travelled the w-world..."

"See? Don't you feel better?" Hermione was wrong. Quirrell didn't feel better at all.

 _Just... Ugh..._

If he had a body, Voldemort would've facepalmed at this point.

 _Just teach the f*cking lesson already!_

"Ah, ye-yeah! M-much better! Now then. I will nee-need to take some att-attendance. *Ahem!* Dean Thomas?"

"Here!"

"Seamus F-Finnigan?"

"'Ere!" After Quirrell went through many names, and sending the paper down the hall (With magic, of course), started moving parchment,quills, and inkwells down the rows, to each desk.

"Now then..." Quirrell grabbed his wand once more, and started writing in the air. "T-today, as o-our first less-lesson, we'll le-learn about b-basic undead."

"Undead?" Neville said. "L-like, zombies and ghouls?"

"I kno-know, I was ra-rather scared when I fi-first learned this s-stuff."

"Seems scared now..." Seamus whispered to Dean.

"Eitherway, co-copy these n-notes down."

 _Vampires_

 _The vampire is a basic undead. It's basic knowledge, even to muggles, to how to stop one. The first recording vampire came from Romania, but reports spread to places as far as China and Africa, with such things as Jiangshi and..._

As he wrote, Voldemort sniffed. Then, he opened his mouth.

"ACHOO!" Quirrell's robe fluttered from the back, and it almost slipped off.

"Huh? Who sneezed?"

"Woah! Professor, you're bald!?"

"Ah!" Quirrell quickly redid his turban, while making a half-assed attempt at explaination. "I-It's not bald! It's s-s-simply be-because of the A-Afri-African va-vampire I m-met!"

"Woah! You met a vampire!?"

"That's awesome! How'd you survive then?" The whole class put their quills down, and leaned in towards Quirrell, who let out a meek squeak.

"Ah! Well, it- it was re-really no-nothing..."

"Can you tell us the story?" Ron said. "We're learning about vampires, right? This'll help with the lesson, right?"

"Well... I sup-suppose that that-ll be...Alright then. So... There I w-was, in Africa. Y-you see, a p-prince in-invited me t-to his p-palace..."

 **The Whole Period After**

"So you see, that's why I wear this turban." Quirrell, looked at a sundial near the window, and coughed. "Well, it seems that the class has ended... Hopefully, you did learn something from the story! Class dismissed!" Quirrell sat down in his desk, as the smiling Gryffindors got up and left the room.

"Bye professor!"

"See you tomorrow, professor Quirrel!"

"Hope you don't meet that vampire!" When the room lay empty, Quirrell took out a flask from his robes, and started drinking.

"Whew!" Quirrell undid his turban.

"Ahh!" Voldemort took a deep breath, and smiled. "Well, you seem to be pupular with the brats!"

"Was I? I just-"

"And you still went with that African Vampire lie? Props."

"Well, thank you, my Lord. However, I can't go through all the classes simply telling stories..."

"They're first years! And now that you've gained more confidence, and stopped stuttering... For now... You can teach anyway you want!"

"Why do you care how I teach? No offense meant, My Lord..."

"Eh, fine. As long as we get the illusion across, do whatever you need to do. Now then, I presume you know the plan?"

"You mean the Philosopher's Stone? How are we going to find it? Is it even around here?"

"Not sure. The guy who wrote this shit forgot the details." As Voldemort and Quirrell talked, the door creaked open. Quirrell quickly turned his face towards the door, as to hide Voldemort from whoever walked into the room.

"Hm... Quirrell, I though I heard noises coming from here..."

"Oh, Snape! No, just me, ta-talking to m-myself!"

"I see... How did your lessons with the Gryffindors go?"

"Q-quite smoothly, a-actually."

"With that stutter? Quirrell, do you have anxiety?"

"Ah! N-n-no, I'm j-just a l-little n-nervous ab-about this p-place."

"What's there to be nervous about..." Snape cracked a slight grin. "...I mean, unless you fell down the stairs..."

"No- I mean, I f-fell wh-when I was a student h-here, but-"

"Ah, yes..." Snape walked towards Quirrell, who quickly put on his turban. "Ah... You're bald? That's besides the point. I've always had a habit of forgetting that almost all the professors here attended Hogwarts. As a Defense against the Dark Arts teacher..."

"Eep!" Snape's voice seemed to carry a serene anger with it, as he said 'Defense against the Dark Arts teacher.'

"...I presume your knowledge of the subject is quite large. Mind demonstrating?"

"Er, well, I'm r-rather ti-tired by the l-lesson f-from before, so I-I'd b-bett-" Snape put one hand on Quirrell's desk, and another carressing his Dark Mark.

"Surely, one of your status must at least do a simple defensive spell... What do you say?" Snape pulled out his black wand. "...One...Quick...Demonstration?"

"I-I-If I must..."Quirrell fastened his turban tightly, and grabbed his wand. Snape moved the desks to the side (With magic, of course), and Quirrell took position at the front, while Snape moved to the back of the class.

 _Remember! Make sure he doesn't hit your head!_

"Yes," Quirrell whispered. "I'm quite aware of that, my Liege."

"To whom are you speaking to, Quirrell?" Quirrell looked at Snape, who felt his arm once more."In a duel, one must not lose concentration. Now then, you cast first." Snape took a stance that looked much like a fencing stance, while Quirrell's trembling hand slowly lifted up.

" _F-F-Flippendo!"_ A light bolt dashed at Snape, who simply flicked his wand upwards. The bolt had crashed into the ceiling, creating a crack in it.

"My turn..." Snape said nothing, as he moved a chair to the back of Quirrell's face.

 _Behind you!_

Quirrell quickly ducked, as Voldemort wiggled a hole out of the turban fold with his nose. I know, right? Weird how he had a nose in the first movie, but later- Eh, forget it. Snape felt another wincing pain in his arm.

"Well done, Quirrell." Snape stopped the chair, ignoring the pain, and cast another spell. " _Avifors!"_ The desk had transfigured into a flock of ravens, who rushed at Quirrell.

"Agh! _Finite I-Incatatum!"_ The birds merged together into a desk, and they flew behind Quirrell, barely missing his head.

 _Sweet Faustus, Quirrell! Watch out!_

"Hm...Interesting... But it couldn't be..." Snape decided to stop feeling his arm, and bore through the pain.

" _L-Locomotor Mort-Mortis!"_ As Quirrell yelled this, Snape's legs stuck together, and Snape nearly fell. Snape chuckled.

"Interesting! Even with your little stuttering habit, you still manage to be good at casting spells. _Waddiwasi!"_ Snape's legs unstuck, and he pointed his wand at Quirrell's flask. " _Accio!"_

"Ah!" Quirrell moved left, as the flask moved to Snape's hand.

"Drinking in Hogwarts? Tsk Tsk, Quirrell... _Aguamenti!"_

 _Quirrell, watch out!_

"Agh!" It was too late. The flask, being lighter than the chair, moved faster, and it hit Quirrell, who fell on the floor, square in the head. The contents of the flask poured out of it, and it got Quirrell's turban wet.

"Well, that was certainly... Interesting..." Snape breathed heavily, not because of the dukel, but due to his Dark Mark. It tingled everytime Voldemort spoke, but he didn't know this yet. "I must see Madam Pomfrey. My arm is rather sore... Perhaps you should see her as well..." Moaning, Quirrell got up, and felt his head, noticing the turban was on the floor. He couldn't loo to make sure, because if he did, Snape would see Voldemort.

"Oh, my turban!"

"It's right behind you, Quirrell... Why not... Turn around and pick it up... Unless you don't want me to see you from behind, of course..."

"W-What? O-Of course- I m-mean, I've gained a l-l-little w-weight ov-over the summer-"

 _Sheesh, you ain't kidding_

"And I'm rather... W-Well, I'd better be getting things r-ready fo-for my ne-next class. Goodbye S-Snape... _Accio."_ The turban flew back onto Quirrell's head, and he moved the chairs and desks to their original positions.

"...Indeed. Good bye, Quirrell..." Snape almost stepped out of the back door, before he poked his head back in. "You know... I had a considerable skill in DADA as well... You'd do well to know that..."

"Are y-you th-t-threatening m-me?"

"No... I wouldn't threaten you unless I had a... Reason too..." Snape left the room, and Quirrell took his turban off.

"Sweet Merlin, Quirrell!" Voldemort coughed. "Whaddya put in that flask!?"

"Er... Firewhisky, Pixie Tear, and some Rice Wine, heated by Dragon's breath."

"Wow, really? It's so strong!"

"E-Er... Well, if it wasn't like that, I wou-would be stuttering even more..."

"Even more!? Good God, have you seen a psychiatrist? Eitherway, that was way too close!"

"Whew... You say that S-snape was your... Follower?"

"Yeah... He was quite loyal, though I thiink he might have diisobeyed me because I killed his high school crush or something... Eh... He's pretty emo now..."

"Yeah... He's quite s-scary too..." Quirrell looked at a stack of papers on his desk, and looked at the door. "Next class is the Ravenclaws. At least they'll learn some stuff properly..."

 **3 Classes (With the Ravenclaws, Slytherins, and Hufflepuffs (** _ **Who?**_ **) Later**

"Oh..." Quirrell lay on his bed, taking off his turban. "God, why'd you choose a teacher as my cover, my Lord?"

"Well, we can't have you be a janitor, can we?" Voldemort's voice was muffled by the mattress pressing against his face. "...Hey, can you just sit up from now on?"

"Hm? Oh, sorry!" Quirrell sat up, while Voldemort coughed.

"Geez! This place is dusty as hell. Doesn't the janitor do anything here? Or those house elves?"

"Well, they havce alot of ground to cover. Hold on." Quirrell pulled out his wand. " _Scourgify!"_ The dust on the bed had dissapeared, and Voldemort took a deep breath.

"Ah... That's better. Now then, about the Philosopher's Stone..."

"Hm... Well, it was gone when we robbed Gringotts... Couldn't we have at least lifted some cash whle we were there?"

"No, one such as I has no need for money!"

"Well, I, as a mundane wizard, do. Eitherway, it has to be somewhere in the school, but where?"

"Hm..." Voldemort gasped. "I got it! Hagrid!"

"Hagrid?"

"We'll just as that oaf! Remember that ghetto hut?"

"Of course! As a teacher, I'll get more information and trust... But he's scary..."

"*Sigh* Fine, let me think of a plan... Pussy..."

"W-what?!"

*Creak!*

"Ah!" Quirrell waved his wand, and the turban quickly wrapped around his head, as Dumbledore walked into the room.

"Quirinus..." Dumbledore smiled, while Quirrell shaked nervously.

"Oh, D-D-Dumbledore! I mean- Headmaster!"

"Oh, no need to be so formal Quirrell..." Dumbledore stepped inside the room, and sat on a random chair. "So, how was your first day as teacher?"

"Oh, I gu-guess it w-was fi-"

"Hold on for a minute..." Dumbledore reached into his robes, and pulled out the Elder Wand.

 _Holy SHIT! That's the f*cking Elder Wand... Well, I'm going to add that to the checklist of things to do when I regain power..._

"Whoa... Is th-that the E-E-Elder W-Wand?"

"Ah. You are aware of the tale? I've had it for a good while now... Just hold still Quirrell. _Sonarus Reparo!_ " The room was silent after he said that.

"Er... Headmaster, was that supposed to do something?"

"There we go! Your stutter will be gone for the duration that I'm here..."

"Wait, really!? Thank you Dumbledore!"

"So, as I was saying, how were your lesssons?"

"Well, the Gryffindors liked my story about vampires, and learned some things from it as well. The Ravenclaws were quiet, and got much work done. The Slytherins cast paper cranes and airplanes at my turban-"

 _Now I f*cking hate Lucius' boy..._

"And the Hufflepuffs mostly stayed to themselves."

"What the hell is a Hufflepuff? Eh, eitherway, it's time for dinner now. Would you like to come later?"

"Ah, thank you Headmaster!" Dumbledore left the room, and Quirrell got up, and walked to the wardrobe.

"Wait, hold up a minute." Voldemort said, muffled by the turban. Quirrell took off his turban, and Voldemort resumed.

"Yes?"

"Why are you changing? You're already dressed!"

"Well, I want to look good for dinner."

"*Sighs* Look in the mirror..." Quirrell looked at a mirror. "Now tell me..."

"...Yes?"

"...Do you look bad?" Quirrell stared at the mirror, and twisted and turned to look at his robes.

"Well, no, but I just want to wear something different for dinner."

"Oh. My. God. Quirrell! You sound like Bellatrix!"

"Who?"

"Gah! Nevermind. Look, just go downstairs and eat without the change of robes!"

"What if it gets dirty?"

"You. Are. A. Wizard! Use Scourgify or some shit!"

"Oh, fine!" Quirrell put on his turban, and walked down to the Great Hall. As we walked to his seat amongst the other professors, he looked at Harry Potter, who ate with Ron at the table.

 _Oh, he's right there! Just like in the classroom, we could've killed him!_

"Hm... I know, but we have to play this smart." Quirrell whispered as quietly as he could, but he was overheard by Flitwick, who sat next to him.

"Who're you talking to, Quirrell?"

"Hm? Oh, n-no one, Flitwick!"

"I could've sworn that you said 'We have to pla-'"

"Well, th-that's because I... I c-come from ano-another country!"

"Really?" Flitwick turned to Quirrell. "You seem rather British to me..."

"My... mother made me speak french around the house, and I had to s-speak English outside the house."

"Ah!" Dumbledore apparated behind Quirrell, giving him a heart attack.

"Oh, God!"

" _Tu parle Francais?"_

"...Uh..."

' _Oui', you fool! Say 'Oui!'_

"Wait," Quirrell said quietly to Voldemort. "You speak french?"

"Of course I do!" Dumbledore mistook Quirrell's statement to be aimed at him. "I know muggle languages as well! _Ou est le maison tu-_ "

"Hey! Look!" Quirrell panicked, and pointed behind Dumbledore. "Snape's missing!"

 _Hey... He is!_

"Hm? Oh," Dumbledore looiked at Snape's seat. "He went to see madam Pomfrey. Something about his arm hurting.

 _What?! Quirrel, we must return to our room! SHIT! Shouldn't've said that!_

"Oi!" Quirrell held his stomach, while Dumbledore raised his eyebrow.

"Are you okay, Quirrell?"

"Oh, it's no-nothing! Just a stomachache! I'm sorry Headmaster! Can I grab some supper l-later?"

"Of course Quirrell." Quirrell quickly dissaperated into his room, making many students and staff turn their heads to where he once was.

 **Quirell's Room**

"Oh..." Quirrell appeared sprawled on the floor, with his turban falling off."...Never got the hand of apparation..."

"Okay, I've something important to tell you!" Voldemort's face had a panic look on it.

"What is it, my lord?" Quirrell stood up, dusting himself off.

"I've made a huge error! You know how I said Snape used to serve me?!"

"...Yes?"

"I've just realized something! If I talk, I'm simply using your vocal chords... Albeit in a more f*cked up voice..."

"And what's the issue?"

"It's when I talk to you with telepathy! Since I'm getting my thoughts into your brain, I'm using magic! And since Snape has a Dark Mark, he can sense it! Do you know what this means?!"

"Er..."

"Snape suspects that I'm back!"

"Oh, shit!"

"Alright, I can't speak to you telepathicallly anymore... I mean, I don't think Snape knows completely, so I'd better only use it in emergencies..."

"Oh... Right then, can I go back to the-"

*BOOM!*

Snape burst through the door, holding his wand out at Quirrell, who had his turban off.

"I knew it! You are trying to revive the Dark Master! Quirrell! You're not mentally prepared for this!"

"Snape! I c-" Quirrell held back his stutter. "I c-can handle this!"

"You are a stuttering fool, Quirrell! You aren't ready for the Dark Lord possessing you!"

"Aww... Snape," Voldemort said. "You do care about Quirrell..."

"Enough talk! Snape, Voldemort chose ME!"

"Wow, you're possessive when you're not stuttering..."

"Seriously!" Voldemort chuckled. "I feel like a hot chick right now! Two people fighting over me!"

" _Conjuctivitus!_ " Quirrell pointed at Snape's eyes, while Snape, reclined his wand.

" _Prote-_ AGH! My eyes!" Snape held his eyes, while Quirrell redid his turban. Snape, holding his burning eye with one hand, pointed his wand at Quirrell, who quickly reaimed his wand. They both yelled the same spell at eachother.

" _Obliviate!"_

" _Obliviate!"_

 **Dumbledore's office**

"Hah! These muggles are amazing!" Dumbledore sat at his office, holding what appeared to be a laptop. "Hey, Minerva!"

"Yes, Albus?'

"You need to see this!" Mcgonagall walked over to see what Dumbledore was doing, and she raised an eyebrow.

"Is that... Is that a cartoon girl?"

"Yes."

"Spinning a leek and speaking japanese?"

"Not sure if it's japanese, but yeah! Muggles are so creative. Hey, there's another thing I need to show you! Have you ever seen a cat play piano?"

*POOF!*

"Gah!"

"What the- NO!" Dumbledore stood up from his desk too quickly, as his laptop fell onto the floor, smashing onto the ground.

"What was that noise!?"

"Nooo... And I just started watching Dragon Ball..."

"Albus, forget the device! Hurry up!" Mcgonagall and Dumbledore rushed out of the office, and ran up to where the sound came from. They found themselves at Quirrell's door, which Mcgonagall quickly opened. Dumbledore and Mcgonagall rushed inside, to see Quirrell and Snape sitting dumbfoundedly on the floor.

"Oh... My head..."

"Dear Faustus, why?"

"Quirrell?! Snape?!"

"Headmaster, what do you think happened?"

"Let's see." Dumbledore moved to Snape and Quirrel, and crouched to their level. "Snape... Quirrell... Can you tell me what happened?"

"Oh..." Snape shook his head. "...Snape? Who's Snape?"

"Quirrell?" Quirrell laughed. "What a funny soundin' name..."

"Wait, did they... They couldn't have lost their... Oh dear..."


	3. The Troll

"So," Lucius said. "If they both made each other lose their memories, how do you remember what happened?"

"Lucius, just wait until I finish!" Voldemort cleared his throat. "Alright, so Quirrell and Snape ended up in the infirmary..."

* * *

 _Oh... My- Well, Quirrell's head... Where am I?_

"Will he be okay, Albus?"

"Yes, they'll be fine."

 _Wait, is that Dumbledore's voice? Quirrell! You there?_

"What do you suppose happened to them?"

"I'm not exactly sure. I'm sure that when Pomfrey fixes them up, they'll be able to tell us."

Dumbledore and Minerva were standing over two beds, holding Quirrell and Snape. Snape had bandages on his forehead, while Quirrell still had his purple turban on his. Dumbledore put his hand over Snape's forehead, while Mcgonagall looked around.

"No signs of a fever yet..."

"Where's Poppy?" As she said that, Pomfrey burst into the room, holding an extra roll of bandages, as well as some bottles.

"So sorry I'm late! Just had to grab a few extra supplies for Quirrell. Are they both sleeping?"

"Yes."

"Good. I've wrapped Snape's head up. Minerva, if you could unwrap Quirrell's turban."

 _What?! Quirrell! Quirrell! Wake up!_

Mcgonagall motioned her hands towards Quirrell's turban, but Quirrell jolted up, screaming.

"Agh! I'm awake!"

"Geez!" Mcgonagall lept back. "Giving me heart attacks... Quirrell, can you tell me what happened? Do you... Remember?"

"No, not really... I can re-recall my name, b-but that's it... I could've sw-sworn I heard someone telling me to w-wake up."

 _Shit!_

"Now the v-voice is saying 'shit!'"

"He's probably in shock... Or something." Pomfrey put down the bandages, and the bottles, on a spare table. She grabbed one bottle, and opened it. "Quirrell, drink this."

"Wh-what will it d-do?"

"It'll restore your memory. Here." Pomfrey handed Quirrell the bottle, which Quirrell quickly downed. The room was quiet for a whille, until Quirrell started shaking uncontrollably.

"Is he supposed to shake like that?"

"It's probably a side effect. To be honest, it's my first time making this potion."

"And you're testing it on a teacher?!"

"Hey, Snape gave me the potion. I'd have asked him to help, but he's in no condition, as you can see!"

"Woah..." Quirrell slowly stopped shaking, and slowly spoke. "Oh... I... I can remember now..."

"What happened?" Dumbledore leaned in close to Quirrell. "What happened in your room?"

"I remember... I remember Snape... I remember the fight... I remember Voldemort!"

 _Shh!_

"I mean... Moldy... Warts... Moldy warts! Snape has moldy warts!"

"Ugh!" Pomfrey shuddered. "Don't remind me. Remember when I had to treat that?"

"Heh..." Dumbledore held back his laughter. "Yes, we all do... Can you remember what happened?"

"Well..." Quirrell put his hands over his mouth, and whispered to himself. "My Lord, whaddya got?"

 _I don't know, make something up! I don't have anything!_

"Uh..."

 **A few Minutes Later**

"Oh... My head..." Snape stood up in the bed, rubbing it. "What happened?"

"Pomfrey, potion." Pomfrey handed Snape a potion, which he immediately drank. Snape started shaking for a while, until he stopped.

"Alright," Dumbledore said. "We heard Quirrrell's side of the story, now can you tell us what happened?"

"Well..." Snape debated in his mind, whether to tell the truth, or to conceal it. He thought about it in his head, until he finally spoke.

"My memory's still a bit fuzzy, but whatever Qurirell said was right..."

"You DID show him your moldy warts!"

"My what..?" Snape looked at Quirrell, who nonchalantly looked away, whistling.

"I thought that I treated you for that! Did they come back?" Pomfrey looked at the other professors. "I must inspect him in private. I'm' afraid you have to leave."

"Don't have to tell me twice." Muttered Mcgonagall. Mcgonagall and Dumbledore left out the door, with Quirrell following them both.

"Now Snape," Began Pomfrey. "I believe you remember the process from last time?"

"What?!"

"Now pull down your pants while I grab the suppository."

"...Headmaster! DON'T LEAVE ME!"

 **2 Hours Later**

"Alright. We need to think of a way to deal with Snape!"

"Hm... Well, do we know if he's trying to stop us, or help us?" Quirrell sat on his bed, with his turban undone.

"Okay, he tried to erase your memory of me... But he also said you couldn't handle it... Maybe he himself wants to revive me..."

"If he left you, and started working for Dumbledore, I don't think he'd do that..."

"Well, actually, I think he's just spying here. Point is, if Snape finds out about me, it could throw alot of things off."

"Like?"

"Well, the next few books, for the most part. Eitherway, I think we should hurry up the plan."

"What _is_ the plan? Did you think of one yet?"

"Alright. You were tasked with defending the stone, along with the other Professors. If you just waltz into the room where it's kept, however, Snape will definitely catch on. What we need is a distraction."

"Distraction... I got it!" Quirrell grabbed his turban, and started tying it up.

"Wait, what'reyoudoing?!"

"I know where to find a distraction!"

"Do you? Where?"

 **Hagrid's Hut, a Few Minutes Later**

"Quirinus!" Hagrid yelled, while Quirrell sat in his hut. "How're ya doin'?"

"O-Oh!" Quirrell started shaking. "I-I-I was j-just wondering i-if you ha-had an-a-a-"

"Spit it out, 'en! 'Aven't got all day, ye know..."

"T-t-Trolls!" Hagrid stared at Quirrell.

"Trolls? Whaddya gonna do wit' trolls? Fer yer classes, 'eh?"

"Y-yes! M-may I borrow on-one?"

"Sorry, Quirrell." Hagrid put his head down. "Cannae do tha'. Too dangerous fer first years."

"B-bu-but your classes! Y-y-you taught fi-first years about Kappa!"

"Well, in any case, trolls're too dangerous, even fer first years. Sorry."

"I-I see..."

"Enough of this!"

"Wait, 'o said 'at?"

"My Lord?!" Voldemort's muffled voice yelled just loud enough to be barely heard. Suddenly, Quirrell jerked his wand up, pointing it towards Hagrid.

"Wha're ya doin'?"

"I don't know!"

"Stupefy!" Voldemort yelled, as a blue light from Quirrell's wand blasted into Hagrid, knocking him out as he fell to the floor.

"You can control my body?!"

Yeah, but it's hard to do! Well, with my amazing magic, it buffs up your weak magic, so I guess that's another advantage of having me around. Now, seek out his memories!"

"Wait, what?"

"He heard me, and he saw you cast a spell on him. We need to extract that memory, as well as find out where he keeps the trolls!"

"Ah, right!" Quirrell knelt beside Hagrid, and moved his wand to his head. He slowly moved the wand away, dragging along a silvery, smoke like aura.

"That's the memory of us, right now!"

"What do we do with it?"

"...Can you destroy memories?"

"Well, Dumbledore puts memories in a basin of water..."

"That's not safe! Just, hold on to it!"

"Hold onto a man's memory? My lord, I fail to see how that can happen..."

"Just... Put it in your head or something!" Quirrell put the memory to his head, as it flew into his ear. "Good! Now find out where the trolls are!" Quirrell put the wand to Hagrid's head again, and pulled out another wisp. He put it in his year, and quickly got up.

"They're in the forest!"

"There? Seems simple enough, save for those centaurs. Well, come on then."

"Wait, what?"

"I need you to get the trolls! That's your plan, right?!"

"Y-yes, but if the centaurs are there, I'm no-"

"Look. Centaurs are noble creatures." Voldemort explained. "Just be corteous and shit, and they'll make way for whatever you need to do."

"Oh... Alright then... But what about Hagrid?"

"Huh? Oh, he'll wake up sooner or later." Quirrell got up from beside Hagrid, and left out the door. He looked around, watching for any students or teachers. He quickly ran into the forest, unaware that Snape was watching him from a tower in Hogwarts.

"Hm..." Snape muttered, holding a telescope. "Very interesting. But I can't move now." Snape put the telescope away, and moved aside from the window. "One more foot out of boundaries from him, and perhaps I'll have a word with- AGH!" Snape dropped the telescope, and hunched over, grasping his sides and buttocks.

"Severus?!" Cried Pomfrey, from outside the door. "Don't worry! That's how the medicine's supposed to be like!"

"Did you have to give me a suppository?!"

"Yes! It's the most efficient way!"

"But why was it so _big_?!"

"Oh, you try grinding an Ogre's tooth!" Snape held his hand to his forehead.

"Ugh..."

"Now come on! It's around 6:30, and it's time for the needle!"

"I presume that the needle will go into a more desirable spot than my ass?! Or am I wrong in that assumption?"

"Much worse, I'm afraid." Pomana opened the door into Snape's room, holding a large needle. "Now, take off your pants."

 **The Forbidden Forest**

"AAAGGGHHH!" Quirrell quickly turned around to face the direction of the castle.

"What was that?!"

"Sounded like Snape!" Voldemort said.

"You can tell? He sounded like a girl!"

"I've heard him scream like that before. I think it was when I killed his girlfriend, or crush, or something. Idunno, really. Now hurry!" Quirrell quickly walked through the woods, looking nervous at every turn.

"I-It's rather dark... And it's still only five!"

"It's forbidden for a reason, bud. So, do you have the exact location of the trolls, or is 'Forbidden Forest,' the only direction Hagrid has?"

"No, I know all the right turns and everything." Quirrell walked through the forest for a little while more, until soon, the forest seemed to dim. It started growing darker and darker the more he walked in the forest, till there was barely any light.

"..."

"..."

"...A little light would be nice, Quirrell."

"Oh, I'm ki-kinda ne-nervous to m-move, really... Sorry." Quirrell took out his wand, and started to light it up. With the newfound light, he noticed that there was a figure in front of him. He had a horse body, and a human top, fused together.

"Who. Are. You?"

"C-c-c-C-C-c-C" Quirrell couldn't find the words, until Voldemort whisper-yelled.

"Centaur! Remember what I told you!"

"I-I'm s-sorry for int-interrupting your... Wh-whatever it i-is you're do-doing... Sir..."

The centaur grunted, as he eyed Quirrell suspiciously.

"You're bald." The centaur said.

"Oh!" Quirrell quickly reached into his robes, and pulled out his turban, which he tied around his head.

"Ah... Better. May I ask why you trespass in our land?"

"I-I'm a friend of Hagrids!" The centaur stepped back for a while, and bowed at Quirrell, who bowed back.

"Forgive my rudeness..."

"It's f-fine..."

"But I still must ask why you're here."

"I'm looking..." Quirrell wondered for a moment if he should tell the truth to the centaur. "...I'm looking for a troll." The centaur raised his eyebrow.

"A _troll?_ "

"It's for academic purposes! Simply some samples of sn-snot."

"Oh. I presume you know the way, being a friend of Hagrid's?"

"Yes, I know the way..."

"Oh... Alright..." The two stood in front of eachother for a while, in silence. Quirrel fiddled with his fingers for a while, and the centaur coughed into his hand.

"So... Uh..."

"See you 'round then?"

"Y-yeah, sure!" Quirrell watched as the centaur walked into the deeper part of the forest. He quickly untied his turban, and Voldemort coughed.

"Agh! Why's your turban so dusty?! Well, more dusty than usual, which is saying a-f*cking-lot!"

"It was probably in Hagrid's hut..." Quirrell continued on his path, barely tripping over tree roots and rocks.

"...So... I've been thinking..."

"...Yes?" Quirrell continued to walk, as Voldemort spoke.

"As you know, my powers in your body are weak..."

"Which is why we're getting you a new body, right?"

"Yeah, well... I just... If this doesn't work... I'd still be inside you..."

"Don't say that! You'll get your body. And besides, the fangirls will take that out of context."

"Fangirls? What're you talk- Look! I'm slowly fading away in your body, lost in your vast... Enormous... Girly personality."

"Hey!"

"And... To add to your plan... As long as we're in the Forbidden Forest, I say we find a unicorn first."

"Wha-?!" Quirrell tripped over a tree root, and fell face first into a pile of brown stuff.

"What did you just fall in? Don't tell me that's..."

"*Sniff Sniff* Troll feces! We're close!"

"Wait, how do you know that it's troll shit?!"

"I got highest marks in 'Magical Creatures.'"

"But... I never learnt how to differentiate _troll shit!_ "

"Curriculums change. Now then, we can discuss your... _Unicorns_... Later. Right now, trolls are pretty important."

"Just saying, as long as we're here..."

"We can always come back, my Lord. I mean, I got the respect of a centaur, so I guess I'm safe from them... I hope."

"Oh, fine! I suppose the quicker we execute this plan, the less I'd need a unicorn."

"Alright, let's get a troll." Quirrell got up, and wiped the feces off his face with his turban. He continued to walk through the forest, until he spotted something moving amongst the trees.

"Ah! Shit, hide!" Quirrel hid behind a bush, and watched as a troll passed by the bush, not noticing the small man behind it. His skin was grey-blue, and he held a large club.

"Okay!" Quirrel whispered. "Th-there's one now! Wh-what do I d-do now?"

"You don't know?!" Voldemort yelled, causing the troll to turn around and face them.

"..."

"..."

"...Why must you yell...?"

"RUN!" Quirrell quickly sprang up, and ran away from the troll, who quickly took pursuit.

"What do I do?!"

"I don't know, this was _your_ hair-brained idea!"

"What do you see back there?!"

"He's still after us! Shit! His club's huge! What about stupefy?!"

"That worked on Hagrid, but he was only half giant. And on trolls, there's not alot to confuse. Though magic can help..."

"Of course it can! No one ever uses spells to fix their problems in this series!"

" _Flippendo_!" Quirrell flipped a large stone in front of him, which flew towards Quirrell. He quickly ducked, and Voldemort watched as the stone hit the troll in the forehead.

"Did I get him?!" Voldemort laughed, as the troll dropped to the floor.

"Hahaha! Yes, eat shit, troll!" Quirrell turned around and rushed to the troll.

"Huff...Huff... What just... Alright, we got him! Now then, how do we get him to the castle?"

"Didn't you think your plan through?"

"No! I'm bad at thinking when I share a brain with a dark lord..."

"Look, just- magic him to the castle..."

"Alright then... *Ahem!* _Wingardium Leviosa_!" Quirrell struggled to keep his wand steady, as the troll slowly lifted up from the ground. Soon, the troll was barely a feet up from the air, and slowly moving with every step towards Hogwarts that Quirrell took.

"Argh! Huff... Huff... Oh..."

"C'mon, man! He's not _that_ heavy!"

"Try to say that when-Ugh! You get your body back!" Quirrell slowly edged through the forest, until he heard a voice.

"Samples, eh?" Quirrell turned around, to face the centaur he faced earlier. His face was tensed up, and he held a rugged dagger.

"E-E-Er... You don't understand! H-He atta-acked me! I had to de-"

"Liar!" The centuar held a dagger to Quirrell's throat, who panicked, and pointed the wand at the centaur. The troll quickly flew into the centaur, launching him several lieges into the air. Quirrell stared in horror, as Voldemort laughed.

"HAHAHA! Oh my GOD!"

"I, I just... The centaur..."

 **Several Hours Later**

"..."

"..."

"...How the _hell_ did you fit that troll into your closet?"

"I'm a man of many talents."

"Oh, sure, many talents, definitely. _Man_..."

"Hey!"

"Look. We got the troll. How're you going to distract them with it?"

"Hm..." As he thought, Dumbledore burst into the room, scaring Quirrell and Voldemort. Quirrell quickly tied the still stained turban over his head.

"Quirrell!" He said. "It's the Halloween Feast! Care to join us?"

"I'll join you later! I'm just... I-I'm just a little busy."

"Ah... I see. Well then, I'll come back later." Dumbledore closed the door, whlie Quirrell whipped the turban off.

"EW! I forgot to wipe the troll feces off of it!"

"You think you have it bad?" Voldmort muttered. "I have troll feces over my face now..."

"*Sighs* I'll wash it off..." Quirrell walked into his bathroom, and took off his clothes. He stepped into the shower, and turned it on, washing the dung off of his head.

"I have to say," Voldemort said. "They really did improve on showers since I was here."

"Oh, really?"

"Yeah. In my day, we had to grab a bucket and a towel. It was like one of those japa-"

"I got it!" Quirrell turned off the shower, and quickly put a towel on. He left the turban on the sink, and rushed out the door.

"What're you doing?! At least put some clothes on first!"

Quirrell opened his closet, and dragged out the troll knocked out in there. He grabbed his wand, and started lifting the troll. He levitated the troll out of the room, and started heading downstairs.


	4. Quirrell and the Dog

**Author's Note: So… Yeah. It's been almost a year since I updated anything on this account. I don't even have good excuse as to why. The best thing I can say is that my laptop broke, and I had to wait a while to get a new one. Couldn't write any fanfictions on the family computer; my sisters' innocence would be lost, my parents would be disappointed, and grandma would get an account to read.**

 **And that's never a path a grandmother should go down**

 **Eitherway, looking back on my writing, I've noticed that I have written some shitty things. Worse is that all of them are unfinished. Least I can do is finish them all. So here it is!**

* * *

Voldemort put his newspaper down. "It's about time the story progressed! Lucius and Bella have been waiting for ages! Wake up!"

Lucius and Bellatrix woke up. Lucius' drool covered his robe, and Bella's hair was in an even bigger mess than before. Lucius pulled out his script.

"Where were we again, my Lord?"

"I don't know. Give me a second. _Accio Smartphone_!" A smartphone flew into his hand from a drawer behind him. "Stole this from a muggle the other day. I meant to destroy it, but it turns out he had _Pokemon GO_."

Lucius and Bella peered over his thin shoulders. That was the day they learned that Voldemort had a fanfiction account.

"Alright, here it is! I found the story!" He speed-read through the last chapter, before turning back to Lucius and Bellatrix. "Sit down now! So, there I was, in the dungeons with Quirrell..."

* * *

"Is this a good idea?" Voldemort said. "I mean; a troll isn't a match for the professors here."

"But it would distract them, correct my Lord?" Quirrell stood in the doorway of the dungeons, the troll still out cold on the floor. "And since we know where the stone is— "

"We can take the stone! Quirrell, my evilness is rubbing off of you! There's the problem of the obstacles the professors put up, but we'll cross that bridge when we get there. But before we do anything, put some clothes on!"

"Ah, right." Quirrell pointed his wand at his chest, and waved it in a circular motion. _"Vestimentuma"_

From out of nowhere, clothes wrapped around Quirrell's body. His robes and purple turban wrapped around him.

"Alright, now how do we get the bugger to wake up?"

"A spell—"

"Without making him angry at you?"

"Oh… I suppose we'll apparate?"

"We can't do that in Hogwarts! Haven't you read _Hogwarts: A History?_ "

"I-I… You've read that?"

Voldemort stammered. "…I-I had to get a firm un-understanding of the castle's weaknesses when I was here… Eitherway, just hit and run him, I guess."

"A-Alright…" Quirrell's hand shook as he pointed his wand at the troll. _"…Rennervate…"_

* * *

"I must congratulate you on another Halloween Feast well done," Dumbledore said. "I must say, asking the house elves to bring American foods was a delightful decision, Severus!"

"I simply wish for at least one of these little poofs to get diabetes, with all humility of course, Headmaster."

"Severus! Shut up and eat your burger!" Minerva hissed, as she dug into her pumpkin pie. "Now Albus, I've been meaning to speak to you about the house elves."

"Oh, indeed?"

"I know that we make their service in Hogwarts as comfortable as possible, but—"

Suddenly, the doors swung open, and Quirrell ran in. A scream sounded through the Great Hall, silencing the commotion and ending the feast.

"TROLL!" He exclaimed, flailing his arms in the air.

"You scream like a girl!" Voldemort hissed.

"Shh! It adds to the image… TROLL IN THE DUNGEON!" He stopped in the middle of the room. "Thought you ought to know…"

He collapsed, landing face first into the floor. He didn't open his eyes, but he was certain that his ruse had worked. There was a great wave of screaming, and Dumbledore had ordered everyone to evacuate. When he opened his eyes, the hall was empty. He stood up, and dusted the dust off of his robes.

"Nice job, Quirrell…" Voldemort said. "Were you a theatre actor before?"

"I wanted to be one. Mum never liked the idea."

'Well, eitherway, the stone is up for grabs. You know where it is, right?"

Quirrell raced up the stairs, weaving through stray kids who were still finding their way to their common rooms.

* * *

"So here it is." They stood at a locked door. More specifically, the third floor corridor on the right hand side, which as movie Dumbledore put it, is out of bounds to those who do not wish to die a most painful death.

"…So what did the other professors put as a protection for the stone?"

"I'm not sure, my Lord… What did we put up?"

"It matters not. I forgot it anyways. Eitherway, with my powers and intelligence, and your dancer's body, we can grab the stone!"

" _Alohamora!"_

The door swung open, and making sure no one saw him, he slipped into the door making sure to close it behind him. Unbeknownst to him, a black cloaked figure sighted him from behind an inactive suit of armor.

" _Lumos."_ Quirrell said. As the room illuminated, he saw a large, black figure in front of him. He looked up to see who or what it was, but before he could see, a glob of spit landed on his face.

"…Quirrell, don't you dare wipe your face with this turban."

"D-do-do-do-d-d-do-d—"

"DOG!" Voldemort yelled. Quirrell wiped the spit from his face, to face a three headed dog, more than twice his size, and snarling with it's fangs bared.

"…Yeah… I'll j-just come back l-later…" Quirrell rushed out the door, passing by Snape who entered the room just at the same time. "Oh, hey S-Snape!"

"Oh, you listen here, you little poof—" Before he could finish, Quirrell closed the door, leaving Snape inside. He quickly pointed his wand at a pair of armored suits guarding the wall.

" _Piertotem Locomotor!"_ The suits moved off of their pedestals. He pointed his wand at the door in a panic, moving them to press the door shut, despite Snape's banging on the door.

"Run, you fool!" Voldemort exclaimed. Quirrell quickly took off down the hall, running through the corridors. Thankfully, due to the troll, no one roamed through the halls, save for a figure; Peeves the Pltergeist.

"Oh, hello there Squirrel!"

"A-ah…" Quirrell quickly stopped before he collided with the poltergeist. He wasn't even sure if poltergeists were corporeal. Honestly, he should've gotten a better education.

"Peeves, p-p-please! N-not now!"

"Why not? Not in a hurry, are we Professor Squirrel?"

Before he could answer, a muffled voice echoed behind him; Snapes.

"Blasted door… _Bombarda!_ "

Peeves and Quirrell looked at the door. The door was blasted to shreds. The three-headed dog was held back by it's chain, but it's figure disappeared as Snape slowly walked away from the room, waving his wand behind him as the door fragments _–"Reparo"–Th_ e armored suits raised weapons against him, but they both broke apart into individual pieces of armor _–"Reducto"_

"P-Peeves, please!" Quirrell stared at Snape, who wordlessly walked towards him, his leg limping a little. "Please, help me!"

"Hmm… Why should I?"

"W-w-well… One; He's S-Snape."

"Duly noted, my good Squirrel!"

"Two; He's h-hurt. He's an easy target! He won't be able to fight back as well!"

"Also a good point."

"Three… Umm…"

"Hurry!" Voldemort whispered.

"Three… I'll let you mess with the M-Malfoy child in c-class!"

Wordlessly, Peeves dashed through Quirrell's body. Quirrell ran without looking back. All he could hear was metal clanging, and Snape's yell.

"Where do we go now?!" Quirrell said, as he ran downstairs.

"First we have to hide from Snape!"

"Can't we obliviate him?!"

"No, it won't go well. Remember last time?"

"Ah, right… We'll find Dumbledore!"

"What, why?!"

"Snape wants to keep secret about this! He won't try to attack me with Dumbledore aroumd!"

"Well, he's probably dealing with the troll. C'mon!"

Quirrell ended up in the dungeon floors, but there was no sight of the troll, or of Dumbledore. He scratched his head, and frantically twisted and turned, looking for a sign of Snape. All that was in the dungeon was a puddle of troll snot, leading up the stairs.

"Ah, the troll must've gone this way!"

"Quirrell, you idiot, don't follow the troll! Look for safety!"

"A-Ah, sorry. Alright... Dumbledore..." He heard footsteps.

"A-Ah! Headmaster!" Quirrell ran to the staircase, but came face to face with Snape, who grasped onto his leg, pointing his wand at Quirrell's face.

"Quirrell, if you value your life…" He said sternly with tranquil anger. "I wouldn't— "

McGonagall's voice sounded through the staircase. "What are you two doing here?!" Snape quickly hid his wand down his sleeve, and both turned upwards at McGonagall, who stood with Dumbledore.

"A-Ah, P-Professor McGonagall!"

"Nothing, Minerva. Just a bit of… Horseplay…"

"Well, nevermind that! As long as you're here, come with us! The troll is in the girls' facilities!"

* * *

"Holy shit!" Voldemort whispered to Quirrell. Thankfully with the sound of water spewing out of broken taps and toilets, no one heard him but Quirrell. Harry, Ron, and Hermione were escorted out of the bathrooms by Minerva McGonagall, leaving Quirrell, Snape, and Dumbledore in the broken facilities.

"…Well, I believe that this was quite enlightening for us. To defeat a troll at such a young age." Dumbledore chuckled. "I believe that Harry will live up to his legacy… Now, onto pressing matters. Severus, what has happened to your leg?"

"A-Ah… My leg?" Snape stammered. "A small accident. Peeves, of course."

"Ah, Peeves…" Dumbledore chuckled delightfully. "Loveable poltergeist, if a bit mischievous. Well, I'd best have the troll dealt with." He walked towards the troll, resting a hand on it's forehead. "A pleasant thing it is for trolls to have such strong stomachs. Dissaparation is much easier with them!"

There was a cracking noise, and Dumbledore and the troll had vanished. Snape turned around.

"Now, where were we?!" He said. He raised his wand, but was quick to discover that Quirrell was no longer there.

Quirrell rushed up to his room. He slammed the door shut behind him, and pressed his back against the door. "Alright, there's the small issue of that large d-dog…"

"Yes, yes. A Cerberus, if I'm not mistaken. It's a bit hard to tell with this turban, of course. Question is, how do we take care of it?"

"Well, you're the genius in the operation."

"Alright, alright. First, take this damn turban off!" Quirrell undid his turban, and for extra measure, pointed his wand at the door _–"Colloportus."—_

"Obviously, we have to ask Hagrid. He's the animal man."

"I thought only professors were protecting the stone. Does he count?"

"Well, in _Prisoner of Azkaban_ , yes, but that's besides the point. We need to talk to Hagrid about the Cerberus."

"Well, how do we get him to open up?"

"Well, you met him in the pub, right?"

"Er, right…" Quirrell looked at the flask on his nightstand. "Oh…"

"Quirrell, you're a drinking man. Think you can outdrink a giant?"


End file.
